


Lessons in Bromance

by jadedgalaxies (Emeraldxoxo)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bromance, Bromance to Romance, I try to be funny, Kinda Cracky, M/M, are you bros or BROS, bokuto is super gay for akaashi, hinata steals kuroos lunch, kuroo is a "doctor", kuroo phd ™ is here to help, kuroos a witty bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 15:33:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9189575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emeraldxoxo/pseuds/jadedgalaxies
Summary: Is your bromance.... actually a romance? Kuroo, the self-proclaimed expert on the subject of bromance, is here to help you sort out your feelings for your bro. Whether or not your feelings are reciprocated, however, is out of Kuroo's hands and is clearly stated in his contract. (In the fine print, of course.)Either way, Bokuto and Lev are visibly conflicted and Kuroo Tetsurou, certified PhD in Bromance ™, is here to help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> if your bro super hot and hung like an elephant, does that make you gay or merely admiring art? well if you're needing help, Kuroo's your man
> 
> if no homo is looking more like yes homo, are you just bros or are you something more?

Practice matches were always Kuroo’s favourite. There he wasn’t confined to just sorting his own teams repressed sexual feelings, he had an even larger pool of boys to pick through and help come to terms with their sexualities. Kuroo was a favourite among the teams, since he could so easily comb through their feelings and help them decide whether their feelings were friendship or something more.

He lazily perused the teams at lunch, eavesdropping and observing, waiting for _something_ that seemed like a confused teenage boy wondering if he was gay or just a good bro. He was a genius among men, really, so gifted in his art that his shittily put together website with hard to read fonts and colours, got him customers from all over Tokyo. (Of course he would _never_ charge his friends, of course not.)

Either way, Kuroo was a success. He’d helped Kenma put his feelings for Hinata into words and it just so happened the red-head was coming to Kuroo for help about Kenma at the same time. They’ve been happily dating for months. Tanaka lamented about Nishinoya to him one evening in the Nekoma room and Kuroo gently rounded up his feelings and folded them into a bromance envelop. Tanaka left feeling relieved and overall much more uppity than before. He, himself, of course was happily dating Tsukishima after applying his own sure-fire methods to himself. And thankfully, Tsukishima was just bros with Yamaguchi who honestly could have been Kuroo’s biggest competition.

“You’re being weird,” Tsukishima said, a curl to his mouth. Kuroo, who had just been laser-focused in on a disagreement between Daiki and Gora, whipped his head around to gasp affronted.

“Kei, this is my _job_ , my _life-blood_ ,” he said, overly dramatic, “you of all people should understand that.”

Tsukishima, despite his best efforts, found himself blushing. “Well, _yeah_ , but I mean, we’re _eating_ ,” he not-so-gently reminded his boyfriend.

Kuroo grinned, running his fingers along Tsukishima’s jaw. Tsukishima stiffened. “Are you jealous?” he purred. “Should we go somewhere else?”

“I will break up with you,” Tsukishima said, though his face and eyes were telling a different story. Kuroo laughed, pressing a quick to Tsukishima’s lips.

“When I’m done working we can be alone,” Kuroo said, and almost immediately after he spoke, Bokuto came up to them looking like a kicked puppy.

“Bro…” he muttered and Kuroo was on his feet telling Tsukishima he’d see him later and comfortingly wrapped his arm around Bokuto’s shoulders.

“Come, tell me everything,” Kuroo said, leading Bokuto out of the cafeteria.

Tsukishima watched, a little baffled. “Who’s going to eat this food now?”

“I will,” Hinata said, who had been sitting across from the couple the entire time in Kenma’s lap and reached over to collect Kuroo’s bowl. Tsukishima rolled his eyes.

* * *

Taking one look at the sullen expression on Bokuto’s face, Kuroo asked, “Is this about Akaashi?”

“H—how did you know?!” Bokuto exclaimed, loudly, scaring a woman walking by with her children. He gripped Kuroo’s shirt. “Can you read my mind, bro?”

Kuroo laughed. “No but if it wasn’t about Akaashi than it would have been about _me_ and while I’m _flattered_ we’re just friends and I’m happily dating Kei…”

Bokuto calmed momentarily, giving him a _look_. “Bro, you’re hot and all but _bro_ no, never.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Kuroo decided. “So…?” he prompted.

And just like flicking off a light switch, Bokuto was lamenting again. “It’s just, I mean, Akaashi is _so_ attractive but like, bro, I don’t think I want to _date_ him.” He turned to Kuroo, uncharacteristic suffering in his golden eyes. “Have you seen him? God, dude, it should be _illegal_ to be that hot.”

This was a rare case. It wasn’t unusual for his patients to be attracted to the source of their problem but it was rarer for the patient to readily say he didn’t want to be in a relationship. For example, just because Kuroo thought Kenma could be sexy at times, didn’t mean he wanted to date his best friend. Tsukishima really wasn’t off the mark when he called Kuroo insatiable that one time but that’s a different story.

“How close are you to Akaashi?”

“Well I’ve seen his dick before if that’s what you’re asking and bro he is _hu_ —”

“God, Bokuto _no_ stop, I meant how often do you hang out, outside of practice,” Kuroo interrupted and as much as he enjoyed a good gossip session about who’s the biggest, he was trying to stay professional here. “Wait when did you see his dick?” okay, semi-professional.

Bokuto shifted. “Showers – he was wet and it was just _there_.” Kuroo supressed a laugh. “Sometimes we hang out. We went shopping the other day and he wouldn’t even consider some of the shirts I suggested.”

This was a difficult situation that Kuroo realized, he needed to handle with some more delicate care. Bokuto was a special case, in that he likely wouldn’t realize what he was feeling until there was some action involved. He had zoned out a little and when he fazed back into what Bokuto was saying, he was complaining about Akaashi’s considerable lack of pride in his talents.

“Why don’t you just kiss him then,” Kuroo said, almost without meaning too. Bokuto clammed up, gawking at his friend. _Shit._ “No don’t do that it’s a horrible idea.”

“Horrible idea…?” Bokuto muttered before he leapt up and grasped Kuroo’s shirt with both hands. “ _Kuroo,_ bro, it’s a fantastic idea! Oh my god I could kiss you right now you’re a genius!” He did proceed to hug the shit out of Kuroo and before the captain knew what was happening, Bokuto was tearing off in the direction of the cafeteria. Oh _fuck._

He shook off his daze and followed Bokuto, hoping to do some damage control before the situation got way too out of hand. Although, it _was_ Bokuto and when he flew into the cafeteria, it was already too late. Well, if anything, it was the most emotion Kuroo has ever seen on Akaashi’s face. Bokuto was holding his face, kissing him in an awkward and sloppy way. Kuroo met Tsukishima’s eyes and made a ‘what can you do’ gesture.

Bokuto pulled back, a huge grin forming on his face while Akaashi blinked owlishly. He turned to the doorway where Kuroo was still standing. “Bro, it’s definitely more than bromance.” He threw his arm around Akaashi’s shoulders and he flushed from his neck up. “Come with me for a sec.”

“Aah, _Bokuto-san_ ,” Akaashi protested, though he didn’t fight that much when Bokuto led him passed Kuroo. “ _Wait_ – Bokuto-san!” Bokuto winked at Kuroo and then the two disappeared around the corner.

Kuroo met the curious faces of his friends and shrugged. “Well, I guess we won’t see them for a while. Man am I starving,” Kuroo said.

Hinata stood up abruptly and Kuroo looked over in confusion. Tsukishima was curled over the table, laughing and Kenma glanced up from his game. Hinata looked like a dear in headlights. Realization flooded Kuroo.

“Oya oya, chibi-chan, you _ate_ my food?” He hadn’t moved from where he was standing but Hinata was pulling at Kenma’s sweater so they could run away. Kenma obliged and the two escaped. Kuroo huffed and returned to his seat next to Tsukishima.

“Here,” Tsukishima said, pushing the rest of his food towards Kuroo. Kuroo grinned and kissed him.

"Thanks babe.”

“Um… Kuroo-san?” Lev began, intruding on the moment between the couple. Kuroo turned. Lev’s face was bright red. Kuroo grinned.

"Lev! You’ve finally come to me for advice. Who is it?” _C’mon Yaku._ He’d made a bet with Kenma that Lev would come to him asking about Yaku and he had actual money riding on this so Lev better not disappoint.

Lev cleared his throat, sitting beside his captain. “Okay… so about Hinata – ”

“HINATA?!” Kuroo balked. “We’re not talking about the short red-head dating Kenma are we?” Lev had the audacity to nod.

“Yeah… we’re really close and –”

“Bros,” Kuroo interjected, “you are bros, trust me.” He wasn’t about to let Lev think about Hinata in any other way then friendship – Kenma has never been happier since dating Hinata and well, Kuroo won’t let anyone screw that up. “You can’t date him.”

Lev recoiled. “What? _No no no_! I was going to say that Hinata thought I was dating Yaku!” Some part of Kuroo ascended. “Why would he think that?!?!?”

Oh thank god. Well, now Kuroo was a three thousand yen richer and relieved.

Kuroo reached over and patted Lev on the shoulder. “Honestly, Lev, you can be so thick.” Lev was aghast. “Okay, well Lev, to be honest, you and Yaku are close. So you know how you feel about Hinata?”

Lev paused. “Like total bros, bitter rivals, close.” He nodded. “Maybe like a brother? Because I would like, totally beat up anyone who picked on him.”

“Right okay, so do you feel that way about Yaku?”

Lev opened his mouth, perhaps to say yes but all that came out was a soft, “Oh.” Kuroo nodded, patting him on the shoulder.

“Hinata equals bromance, _Yaku_ equals…?”

Lev wet his lips, unable to stop the blush from filling his cheeks. “Romance?”

Kuroo clapped him on the shoulder. “There it is buddy.” Lev scampered away and Kuroo called after him, “If he doesn’t return your feelings it’s out of my hands!”

Tsukishima chuckled. “You really do get a kick out of this, don’t you?”

Kuroo scoffed. “Of course not. I’m a professional.”

“Are you now?” Tsukishima teased, prodding Kuroo with his discarded chopsticks.  

“Certified PhD baby,” he said, watching as Yamaguchi ask Kageyama about receives. “Bromance is my specialty.”

“You know you’re an idiot right?”

“Clearly, Kei, you don't understand what PhD means, I’m a _doctor_ you know,” he said, kissing Tsukishima’s jaw.

Tsukishima looked him dead in the eyes and said, “A bad one.”

“You’re just mad it worked on you,” Kuroo said.

Tsukishima sighed and before he could say anything, Yamaguchi awkwardly walked up to them. “Um, Kuroo-san?”

“Oh my godddd,” Tsukishima groaned.

Kuroo rotated, opening his arms to Yamaguchi. “You’ve come to the right place, my son.” Tsukishima gave up. Yamaguchi fell into Doctor Kuroo’s arms, wondering if he thought of Kageyama as a bro or _bro._

**Author's Note:**

> honestly this is ridiculous and i love it
> 
> the first notes was the original summary lmao


End file.
